80+ Funny December Quotes

December is that time of year when the air is cold, the lights are bright, and our sense of humor becomes a survival tool.

Between the chaos of holiday shopping, endless cookies, and pretending we still fit into last year’s jeans, laughter is the best way to stay warm.

Humor and wit remind us not to take the season—or ourselves—too seriously. In this post, we’ve gathered over 80 funny December quotes that perfectly capture the quirks, laughs, and icy truths of winter. From witty takes on snow to sarcastic reflections on the holidays, these quotes will leave you smiling all month long.

Hilarious December Quotes to Start the Month Right

• “December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.” – Mark Twain
• “December is the month when kids stop being nice and start being perfect angels.” – Stephen Colbert
• “It is December, and nobody asked if I was ready.” – Sarah Kay
• “In December, even my coffee needs a sweater.” – Dave Barry
• “My December diet plan consists of eating everything before January 1st.” – Andy Borowitz
• “The only thing colder than December is my ex’s heart.” – Unknown
• “A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” – Carl Reiner
• “The problem with winter sports is that—they generally take place in winter.” – Dave Barry
• “I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” – Bill Watterson
• “December is when I finally admit that those summer clothes aren’t going to fit anymore.” – Nora Ephron

Witty December Quotes

• “December is the only month where calories don’t count and naps are encouraged.”
• “You know it’s December when your car takes longer to warm up than your morning mood.”
• “Snowflakes are like excuses—I make a lot of them in December.”
• “If winter had a personality, it would definitely be sarcastic.”
• “In December, I’m powered by caffeine, cookies, and chaos.”
• “The colder it gets, the more I realize I was never built for this.”
• “December: the month when your social life is busier than your wallet.”
• “I like winter because it hides my laziness under layers of clothing.”
• “Every snowstorm is just Mother Nature’s way of saying, ‘Stay home.’”
• “December is nature’s reminder that hibernation isn’t just for bears.”

Sarcastic December Quotes

• “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
• “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas—mostly because I can’t afford a tropical one.”
• “If December had a motto, it would be ‘Good luck finding parking.’”
• “Winter fashion: where looking warm beats looking cute.”
• “Snow looks great until you have to shovel it.”
• “I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination when it comes to holiday shopping.”
• “December: when your credit card cries louder than you do.”
• “The weather outside is frightful, and so are my heating bills.”
• “Holiday spirit: 20% joy, 80% caffeine.”
• “Nothing says December like realizing your gloves don’t match.”

Relatable Winter Struggles Quotes

• “Every December, I rediscover how much I hate scraping ice off my windshield.”
• “My favorite winter sport is avoiding going outside.”
• “I wear so many layers I forget what my body looks like.”
• “December weather builds character—and frostbite.”
• “My ideal winter activity? Watching Netflix under five blankets.”
• “Snow days are great until you’re the adult who has to shovel.”
• “I don’t slip on ice; I perform surprise interpretive dances.”
• “I’m not cold, I’m just emotionally unavailable until spring.”
• “Winter is fun until you lose feeling in your face.”
• “Every time I see snow, I remember why I like summer.”

Food and Holiday Eating Humor

• “Calories don’t count between Thanksgiving and New Year’s.”
• “December is just 31 cheat days in a row.”
• “The holiday diet: eat cookies until the stress goes away.”
• “I’m in a serious relationship with peppermint bark.”
• “My favorite holiday workout is lifting pie to my mouth.”
• “If I don’t see vegetables until January, I’ll survive.”
• “I came. I saw. I overate.”
• “The best part of December is pretending leftovers are balanced meals.”
• “December calories are festive, not fattening.”
• “Dear Santa, I can explain—especially the second plate.”

Christmas Humor and Festive Laughs

• “I wrap presents like I’m being timed on a game show.”
• “The best part of Christmas shopping is when it’s over.”
• “My bank account and I are not speaking until January.”
• “Christmas lights: because paying the electric bill once a year isn’t stressful enough.”
• “I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinating gift wrapping.”
• “If Christmas spirit were measured in receipts, I’d be Santa.”
• “Dear Santa, define ‘naughty.’”
• “I love giving gifts almost as much as I love the panic of realizing I forgot one.”
• “Tinsel is just glitter that got promoted.”
• “The true meaning of Christmas is coffee, chaos, and carols.”

Cold Weather Comedy

• “I’ve reached the point where I need a coat just to check the mail.”
• “If you need me, I’ll be somewhere between freezing and regretting my life choices.”
• “Cold weather is my excuse for everything.”
• “My thermostat and I are in a committed relationship.”
• “You can’t spell December without ‘brrr.’”
• “I love winter, said no one scraping ice off their car.”
• “If being cold burned calories, I’d have abs by now.”
• “My favorite winter accessory is the blanket I wear everywhere.”
• “Snow days were better when they meant no school.”
• “I don’t get cold—I get cozy with complaints.”

Lazy Winter Vibes Quotes

• “I was made for blankets and hibernation.”
• “My bed and I are very close during December.”
• “The only thing on my to-do list this month is naps.”
• “If productivity had a season, this wouldn’t be it.”
• “Hibernation mode: activated.”
• “Wake me up when it’s spring.”
• “I like my mornings slow and my evenings slower.”
• “Blankets are my love language.”
• “Doing nothing is an art—and December is my masterpiece.”
• “My energy level this month is best described as ‘hibernating bear.’”

End-of-Year Humor

• “December: the month I realize I accomplished none of my resolutions.”
• “At this point, I’m just trying to survive until next year.”
• “Every December, I promise to get organized next year. I never do.”
• “New Year’s resolutions are just December’s way of giving us false hope.”
• “December is like Sunday night for the whole year.”
• “By December, my motivation has frozen solid.”
• “I’m already tired for next year.”
• “The only list I’ve completed this year is my snack list.”
• “December is when I start pretending I’ll change in January.”
• “It’s the season for denial and dessert.”

Conclusion

These funny December quotes prove that laughter is the best way to survive the chill of winter and the madness of the holidays.

Whether it’s poking fun at the cold, celebrating lazy days, or finding humor in overeating, each quote captures the perfectly imperfect joy of this time of year.

So share your favorite one with a friend, post it on social media, or save it for a cold day when you need a good laugh. After all, humor keeps the season warm.